I’ve got a confession. For part of my career, I was a jerk. Not the throw-your-coffee-at-an-assistant kind of jerk, but the subtle, polished version. The kind who smiles in meetings, delivers results, and still leaves a wake of frustration behind.

I was ambitious. I wanted to prove myself. But under the surface, my drive was fueled by insecurity and ego. I needed to be the smartest in the room. I wanted the credit. If something went wrong, I made sure it wasn’t pinned on me. If something went right, I wanted my fingerprints all over it.

And it worked, for a while. I got promotions. I got recognition. But I also got sideways looks, tense relationships, and a growing sense that something was off. My coworkers respected my results but didn’t enjoy working with me. My team delivered but wasn’t thriving. And deep down, neither was I.

Eventually, it all caught up with me. A colleague pulled me aside and said, “Preston, working with you feels like walking on eggshells.” That stung. And it stuck.

That was the moment I realized: if I didn’t change how I led, it didn’t matter what I achieved.

The Turning Point

I wish I could tell you I flipped a switch overnight. I didn’t. Change didn’t come from reading another business book or attending a leadership seminar. It started with something harder: looking in the mirror.

I had to admit that the problem wasn't out there; it was in here. My habits, my attitudes, my need to control, my fear of being overlooked.

The turning point came when I decided to stop managing my image and start working on my character. In other words, I stopped obsessing over the what — the achievements, the recognition, the scoreboard — and started paying attention to the how — the way I showed up, treated people, and led every day.

That shift, from outside-in to inside-out, was the beginning of moving from jerk to joy.

What Joy Looks Like in Leadership

“Joy” might sound like a soft word for leadership, but it’s anything but. Joy is what happens when you stop white-knuckling your way through work and start leading with clarity, humility, and purpose.

Here’s what it looked like for me:

• Less defensiveness, more openness. I started inviting feedback and listening to it.
• Less ego, more encouragement. I shifted from competing with my team to celebrating them.
• Less control, more trust. I learned to empower people instead of micromanaging them.

The surprising thing? When I focused less on proving myself and more on developing others, I didn’t lose ground. I gained influence. People leaned in. Relationships deepened. The results didn’t suffer; they got better.

Joy wasn't about being happy all the time. It was about leading in a life-giving way, for me and for those around me.

Why This Matters for Engagement

If all this talk of joy still sounds too soft, let me put it in hard numbers. Gallup research indicates that 70 percent of employee engagement is influenced by the manager.¹ Think about that: the single biggest predictor of whether someone brings their best effort to work is not the strategy, not the product, not even the pay. It's their relationship with their boss.

I see this play out every time I lead workshops. I’ll ask the room, “How many of you have ever worked for a good boss?” Hands shoot up. “That’s engagement,” I say. “You know what it’s like to have energy, to feel supported, to want to go the extra mile.”

Then I flip the question. "How many of you have ever worked for a bad boss?" Just as many hands go up, though sometimes a little slower. That's when I'll joke, "Don't raise your hand if they're sitting right next to you." Usually, I get a laugh — sometimes an uncomfortable one. Then I say, "Now you know what disengagement feels like."

It’s not complicated. The better the manager, the better the engagement. And when engagement rises, so do culture, productivity, and results. When it falls, everything else falls with it.

That’s why this inside-out shift matters. Leadership isn’t about what you achieve in isolation. It’s about how you show up, because how you lead directly shapes the culture you create.

Inside-Out Leadership

That's the real lesson. Leadership that lasts doesn't start with what you do. It begins with how you do it, the integrity, presence, and consistency you bring. That's the heartbeat of my philosophy: how is greater than what.

Outside-in leadership, driven by image, titles, and results, might get you ahead in the short term, but it burns people out, including you.

Inside-out leadership does the opposite. It grows from character. From clarity of values. From a willingness to be wrong and the courage to be real.

If you want to move from jerk to joy, here are three questions to ask yourself:

1. What’s it like to be on the other side of me? Be brutally honest. Ask people you trust. Listen without defending.
2. Where am I leading from ego instead of purpose? Spot the places where you're protecting yourself instead of serving others.
3. What would joy look like if I lived it out at work? Not fake cheerfulness, but a deeper sense of trust, growth, and meaning.

The Shift Every Leader Can Make

My story isn’t unique. Plenty of leaders start with drive, results, and ambition, and wake up one day realizing they’ve become someone people fear more than follow.

The good news? You don’t have to stay there. The shift from jerk to joy isn’t about pretending to be perfect. It’s about doing the harder, deeper work of leading from the inside out. Because in the end, it’s not the “what” that defines your leadership, it’s the “how.” And how always outweighs what.

That’s the kind of leadership people crave. And that’s the kind of leadership you can choose today.

So here’s the challenge: stop measuring yourself only by the goals you hit or the boxes you check. Start asking, “How am I showing up? How am I shaping the people around me?” Because the legacy of your leadership won’t be written in metrics or margins. It will be written in people. And people don’t remember what you accomplished nearly as much as how you led.

Interested in hearing more from Preston? He just published his newest book, How is Greater Than What: Master the Growth and Leadership Skill Everyone Else Ignores. Check it out today!

Notes

1. Gallup, “Engaged Employees Inspire Company Innovation,” Gallup Workplace (2019), https://www.gallup.com/workplace/266822/engaged-employees-differently.aspx